What are you thinking about?

[Chimera Doll]

How tired I feel and how I should go to bed early then >.>

[Plague Kitty]

I got in a minor car accident 2 days ago. We were in the middle lane and traffic was slowing down. 3 kids were in the very backseat. Me and my sis were in the middle and my cousin and her husband (who was driving) were in front of us. I was listening to Digital Daggers and trying to calm down (we were on our way to a Chinese buffet and places like that make me even more anxious). When all of a sudden, we felt something hit us. I let out a scream once it made impact (a little bit harder) again. I started crying (either from the shock or once again, in the month of February, something awful happens) and my sister screamed at me, "Crystal, you're okay! Stop crying!". I think I told her to fuck off or something? I don't know, we were both screaming at each other for a little bit. I shut up and stared straight ahead, angrily. My hands were sweated and I couldn't stop shaking. The guy (who was driving a trailer truck!) confessed that he was on his FUCKING PHONE, CHECKING A TEXT MESSAGE AND WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION! Like what the fuck?!?!?!? I was enraged inside but yet still shocked. It wasn't until the highway patrol came that I finally moved and stopped staring straight ahead. I don't know if my eyes blinked. My cousin's husband told us that if he didn't let go of the brakes, the trailer truck could have crashed into us and it would have been much worse. I'm so happy he did that and we came out okay in the end.

Uhm, when the car finally moved, I clutched my hands together and tensed up. Once the car was parked in a parking lot somewhere in Burbank, we found out that the buffet place was closed :/ We met up with another cousin of mine (and his girlfriend) and we went to t some place called Wood Ranch. I swear, waitresses are such kissasses and desperate people Because the female waitress paid a little bit more attention to me than to anyone else. We sat down and the waitress said something about the "lovely woman in black". I just looked around stupidly (I was still pretty much freaked out) and didn't really react. Then she said how I was the "best for last" once she came around to take my order. I didn't really react. It took me a while to realize she was talking about me. A bit later when she re-filled my strawberry lemonade, she referred to me as "lovely-honey-bunny" Once we were done eating, what do you know? The check was right next to me. Somehow, I don't know why, she thought I was the one paying. Omg, she was so desperate......

I mostly kept to myself and looked down at my food. I occasionally looked up and around, hoping someone would notice that I was not okay but no one made a move or had any intentions of calming me down. I was seriously alone. I felt like nobody cared at all about me and that I was overreacting. That was the vibe I was picking up on. Once back home, my mom wasn't surprised that I was crying. My sis told her (in a calm voice) that she told me that I was okay. I wanted to call utter bullshit on that but I kept my lips sealed tight and let it go.

The next day, while showering, I realized that everyone dealt with shit differently. A bit later, after I fixed myself something to eat, my sis enters our house and she sits down on the couch. All of a sudden, I hear her scream 'HOW ARE YOU?!?!?!?!!" in the most........obnoxious way possible! As if I were deaf or mentally challenged.

1) I'm not deaf. I'm not mentally challenged. I could fucking hear her.

2) I just went through something (I've never been in a car accident) so I'm very fragile. DO NOT FUCKING SCREAM AT ME LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I'm thankful that she asked me (I answered with a lie, that I was fine-I was not fine at all) but could she do it in a way that shows that she actually gives a fuck about me? Everyone seemed to move on and appeared okay. I was the only fucking one that wasn't alright. Anyway, yesterday, I finally got on FB and what my mom and sister SHOULD HAVE SAID, my FB friends told me instead How awesome and sweet (and a little fucked up) is that? They told me that it could have been worse, they're glad I'm okay, no one else was hurt and that I wasn't bleeding or nothing was broken. They didn't scream at me. They didn't make it seem like I should get over it. They didn't smack their lips or dismiss me completely (to the point where I thought lagging behind was the most safest thing I could do). They didn't scream "HOW ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!" at me.

Lately, I've been closing myself off by listening to music (very loudly), not talking to anybody (only when I REALLY need to!) and making digital art or Youtube or Netflix. I feel like it's the best thing for me right now.