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  #7396  
Old 01-08-2018, 02:05 AM
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I thought this new year would be a really great start! I thought things would be lovely and it would be smooth sailing from here but it hasn't been. Yeah, I went to Citywalk a couple of nights ago and I bought some awesome necklaces but I didn't really have a lot of fun. Fun, I should have had with my sister if she wasn't such a conceited, paranoid, stupid fucking bitch! I was mostly a loner, just lagging behind, listening to music and losing myself being around a lot of people.

My sister continues to be conceited, bitchy and paranoid. Today, she was hyper-aware of my facial expressions. Like seriously, why the fuck does she feel that it's her job to be concerned with my facial expressions? What the fuck is she going to do to help? She's not gonna do jack-shit! She barely fucking knows how to help me when I have an anxiety attack so how the fuck can I expect or trust her to help me with anything?! I am just so fucking tired of her bugging me about my facial expressions! Just fucking let me be!!! Just please let me be I think I've wrote this in the past but I know how to take care of myself when I'm depressed or angry. Once in a while (depending on what happened), I reach out to a friend but mostly, I lose myself in music and making digital art, coloring in adult fantasy books. I just need her to fucking trust me on this! Let me be sad or angry for a while but I will be back to myself by the next day or whenever I'm over it! At first, it was nice that she took notice and was concerned. But years and years and years and years and years of this........it takes a toll and a whole lot of strength to not slap her!
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  #7397  
Old 01-12-2018, 08:26 PM
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I need to get a better schedule
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  #7398  
Old 03-21-2018, 07:24 PM
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I don't want to post in a certain thread because I like seeing who the last poster was :3
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  #7399  
Old 05-19-2018, 08:14 AM
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I confess that if my sister doesn't forgive me for kicking her out (because I wanted to relax and have no drama and now somehow, I'm the asshole for kicking her out, according to my mom) and she chooses to cut off ties with me, I won't panic and feel alone like I did on Thursday night. And if she forgives me and comes around, I'm going to have to have a serious journal-session! Like try to figure out how to avoid problems like this in the future. Maybe sit her down (if she's ready to have a real and open conversation) and maybe she can help me understand her? How to talk around her, what tone is safe to use, how to say things so they don't sound bitchy or offensive.

I've given it some deep thought yesterday and it occurred to me that I've always been alone. As a little girl, I was like Lindsey Wallace in the original Halloween movie I was always watching something on tv while my sister abandoned me to go off with some guy. Sadly, I had no one like Tommy to keep me company (and then scare me) but whatever. When I had a panic attack on a public bus (there was a lot of people and I felt trapped because I didn't know where to look and my mp3 player ran out of battery so listening to music was out of the question). I cried and panicked. I was aware of people looking at me but I just couldn't stop gasping for air and crying. I literally felt trapped. Anyway, the day after, I found out that while I was panicking, my sis wanted to slap me and she felt embarrassed for HERSELF. That's when my eyes were opened that she didn't care at all about me. Then another time I had another panic attack at home (thanks to something on tv. This is why I hate the news! It makes me paranoid) and she said that I was crazy and that I should sleep it off.

She was never there for me. It was always me that had to learn how to take care of myself. I was (and still am) basically my own sister. Yeah, she helps me out at times (I have social anxiety and things like the check-out lane freak me the fuck out. I have no problems with the actual shopping part. I can do that but I just can't deal with people at the register. It freaks me out so I have-had, if she cuts off ties with me-her kindly do it for me and deal with them since she's such a fucking people's person) but it's ultimately me that has to figure it all out in the end. So, I don't need her like I thought I did. If she doesn't forgive me and cuts off ties with me, so be it. Yeah, a couple of things will change but I'll find a good therapist or whatever I need to do to help me overcome it. Something tells me I'll end up being okay and fucking healthier because of her cutting off ties with me. It's not the end of the world. I won't die because of it. I'm not that scared abandoned little girl when I'd stay up all night, crying, calling out into the night (literally) and waiting for her to come home.

In closing, I'm not Lindsey Wallace anymore. I'm fucking Laurie Strode now, bitch

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  #7400  
Old 05-23-2018, 10:46 PM
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Today was one of the worst experiences/pains I've had in my life but I got my TBM book so therefore also one of the best!!
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