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  #6856  
Old 01-28-2018, 12:36 AM
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pretty full, sleepy and anxious a bit
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  #6857  
Old 04-14-2018, 05:50 AM
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Confused by Wednesday's events. My mom woke me up by screaming at me. I thought an earthquake occurred or something. So, I was in a panic (but wanting to go back to sleep). Apparently, we were supposed to go grocery shopping and I was supposed to know that. Buuuuuuut! No one felt the need to inform me the night before. Once at the store, I got a little bit (I've gotten used to buying food for the week) and that somehow annoyed at my mom. I got a little mad because how the fuck am I supposed to know if they don't fucking tell me?!?! She told me that now I'm going to have to come back next week to grab more stuff. That somehow hurt me and I was on the verge of tears. Nearing the checkout lane, she asked me why I didn't grab more stuff and I just went off and got more food just to shut her the fuck up. Once in my cousin's truck, my hair hiding part of my face and my dark sunglasses on, I let the tears flow. Came home, put the stuff away, took a shower, cried a little more and then ate something because I didn't even get to eat anything before. Shopping while hungry is not a good thing to do (I've done it once and bought a whole bunch of crap)! Luckily, I just bought the things I needed the most. I skipped dinner that night. I just wanted to lay down. By 6am, my thoughts turned to wondering why I was alive. I'm not sure how the fuck it happened but it did. I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from crying.

On Thursday, I was feeling a little bit better. I was even willing to talk to my mom like everything was fine but she was with her smart ass attitude and I went back to being angry. By 8pm, she told me that she made some chicken and stuff. I ended up adding orange marmalade to it just to give it some flavor. I have noooooooo idea why but I felt like a genius when I added that stuff to that plain, flavorless chicken. I couldn't help but smile. I only grabbed a little bit. Then yesterday, it made me sick. It's still making me sick. My entire body feels like it's being pricked by needles. I feel weak. I'm fucking starving. I'm so god damn hungry but everything I put in my mouth, I just spit out and if I do ingest something (earlier, I ate a few blueberry waffles and a bit of soup that I ate at night), I get sick. I despise oranges right now. I don't even wanna see anything orange!!!! Stupid fucking flavorless chicken. Why the fuck didn't I listen to my gut that said "Leave it, grab something else!"?!?!?!?

Later on today, I have a baby shower to go to (right in our backyard) for a cousin I really don't care for. Last Saturday, I went to a bday party of my cousin (the one gave us a place to stay) where I had no one to talk to. I was left alone at the table, looking at people and listening in on conversations. I ended up just slinking away, unnoticed, back home. My mom came home and told me that there was no one within my age-group (everyone was in their 40s and above. No one was near 27 yrs old). So, that night I ended up getting a headache because of all the fucking crying.

This is not my month, I think. I haven't cried since September (my doctor told me I was unhealthy or whatever and one night, out of the blue, I felt ugly and disgusting). I was seriously going for the record of months passing by without crying a single tear. I have been sad but not enough to start crying. What else.......uhm, I did have plans of going out on my birthday (coming up this Sunday). I even had an outfit picked out (in my head, at least) and I had plans of going to Home Goods and going on a little shopping spree and just having the time of my fucking life. But with my current state (being sick from a virus, weak and depressed), I don't think it's going to happen. But oh well, there's always another day.
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  #6858  
Old 04-20-2018, 03:38 AM
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Meh.
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  #6859  
Old 04-22-2018, 12:30 PM
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loved
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  #6860  
Old 04-26-2018, 01:24 AM
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I feel offended and pissed off. It's been a couple or few days that I've been feeling this way and I'm fed up. I posted about it 2 days ago but I deleted it because it didn't really read well I'll just get the gist of it down real quick. *sighs* My nephew been heavily into his PS4 online gaming that he doesn't really wanna do much of anything! He was supposed to graduate from middle school but he's gonna have to repeat middle school again because his grades are total shit. We all graduated from middle school (but I was the only one that graduated from high school though-a fact that I'm still proud of today! ). He told my sis "What's the point of graduating from middle school?". He's 13 yrs old. Oh and apparently he's been using me as some sort of role model for his bad behavior!

I have social anxiety (and other things at play) and so I can't work. I get help from from the Gov. on a monthly basis. I pay my fair share of rent and buy my own groceries and such. I sleep late and wake up late sometimes. College is not for me because I really don't deal well with pressure and deadlines. I'm an introvert and I've got a couple of hobbies that keep my entertained, relaxed (digital art and coloring in adult coloring books) and happy. I'm pretty happy with what I've got in my life so far. Well, for the most part, anyway! So yeah, I'm really offended that he's using me as some sort of role model for him not wanting to do anything. I haven't talked to my mom or sis about it because I do not want to talk to them. I really have nothing to say to them. They've been treating me coldly lately. My mom sighing in disappointment and my sis talking about me or talking to me directly as if I'm the one that started every thing. Like I'm the one to blame! And anyway, even if I do talk to them about it, they're gonna go on a lecture and it's just gonna depress the fuck out of me and I'm trying to get away from depression (although, last night, it really hit me and I had thoughts of "I'm a failure, what the fuck am I doing with my life? I'm 27........." plagued me and I broke down in tears for a while).

Every time I see my nephew (when he skips happily to the bathroom and takes an hour to **** AND take a shower-so, 2 hrs in the bathroom x.x Not to mention, he sometimes leaves used Q-Tips inside the shower!) I just need to learn how to calm down, just ignore him and try to forget how he views me (lazy). Because carrying this and holding onto this anger......it's not doing me any kind of good! I think what's best for me right now is to try to close myself off and channel all this into some creative outlet and get some good music going. Talking to them isn't an option I'm willing to take. At least not with their current moods! I don't wanna add fuel to the fire because I'm the one that's going to end up burning (with their lecture). So, it's really safe to just stay away, turn to creative outlets, learn how to remain calm and become happy again and just let the dust settle
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  #6861  
Old 05-04-2018, 08:37 PM
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a bit sleepy, but that's all fine! need to get some sleep at one point!
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  #6862  
Old 05-15-2018, 12:28 AM
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A little annoyed. I've been waiting for Rebecca's (of Elvenstar Art) stuff to arrive and as soon as I was about to open up the thing, my mom asked me what I got. Sooooooooo! I got up and gave it to her so she could see. Then she opened up the little black bag with the necklace and pulled it out.

I wanted to say "Uhm, is your name Crystal? Did you spend hours and days pouring over page after page, trying to figure out what you were going to buy?!? Did you order it and wait a week for it?" but I didn't because she's my mom! Yes, it's my money but she's my mom So, that freaking annoyed me for a little bit.

But other than that, I'm alright! Can't really complain. I've just been bored and uninspired lately in my creative stuff like digital art and coloring. Been dealing with that and it's been pissing me off and making me really impatient! But otherwise, I'm quite okay I've been watching The Hobbit (they only show part 2 & 3 but never part 1! :/) on TV. One word: Tauriel
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  #6863  
Old 05-15-2018, 05:20 PM
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atm quite happy and content ^_^ afraid it probably won't stay that way this coming Thursday D:
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  #6864  
Old 05-25-2018, 01:58 PM
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I feel tossed aside and angry.



My mom was checking her blood pressure and the machine said a number and I asked her if that was normal and she murmured "Uh-huh" in a tone that suggests one to stop talking and to fuck off. So, that's going on. I think it's best if I don't talk to her either. Just......stay the fuck away from everybody and let the dust settle. Let THEM come to ME. Other than that? I'm sticking to myself! Doing whatever it takes to keep myself busy, entertained and calm. Like not letting my anger want to lash out like a guitar string snapping.
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