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  #6856  
Old 01-28-2018, 12:36 AM
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pretty full, sleepy and anxious a bit
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  #6857  
Old 04-14-2018, 05:50 AM
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Confused by Wednesday's events. My mom woke me up by screaming at me. I thought an earthquake occurred or something. So, I was in a panic (but wanting to go back to sleep). Apparently, we were supposed to go grocery shopping and I was supposed to know that. Buuuuuuut! No one felt the need to inform me the night before. Once at the store, I got a little bit (I've gotten used to buying food for the week) and that somehow annoyed at my mom. I got a little mad because how the fuck am I supposed to know if they don't fucking tell me?!?! She told me that now I'm going to have to come back next week to grab more stuff. That somehow hurt me and I was on the verge of tears. Nearing the checkout lane, she asked me why I didn't grab more stuff and I just went off and got more food just to shut her the fuck up. Once in my cousin's truck, my hair hiding part of my face and my dark sunglasses on, I let the tears flow. Came home, put the stuff away, took a shower, cried a little more and then ate something because I didn't even get to eat anything before. Shopping while hungry is not a good thing to do (I've done it once and bought a whole bunch of crap)! Luckily, I just bought the things I needed the most. I skipped dinner that night. I just wanted to lay down. By 6am, my thoughts turned to wondering why I was alive. I'm not sure how the fuck it happened but it did. I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from crying.

On Thursday, I was feeling a little bit better. I was even willing to talk to my mom like everything was fine but she was with her smart ass attitude and I went back to being angry. By 8pm, she told me that she made some chicken and stuff. I ended up adding orange marmalade to it just to give it some flavor. I have noooooooo idea why but I felt like a genius when I added that stuff to that plain, flavorless chicken. I couldn't help but smile. I only grabbed a little bit. Then yesterday, it made me sick. It's still making me sick. My entire body feels like it's being pricked by needles. I feel weak. I'm fucking starving. I'm so god damn hungry but everything I put in my mouth, I just spit out and if I do ingest something (earlier, I ate a few blueberry waffles and a bit of soup that I ate at night), I get sick. I despise oranges right now. I don't even wanna see anything orange!!!! Stupid fucking flavorless chicken. Why the fuck didn't I listen to my gut that said "Leave it, grab something else!"?!?!?!?

Later on today, I have a baby shower to go to (right in our backyard) for a cousin I really don't care for. Last Saturday, I went to a bday party of my cousin (the one gave us a place to stay) where I had no one to talk to. I was left alone at the table, looking at people and listening in on conversations. I ended up just slinking away, unnoticed, back home. My mom came home and told me that there was no one within my age-group (everyone was in their 40s and above. No one was near 27 yrs old). So, that night I ended up getting a headache because of all the fucking crying.

This is not my month, I think. I haven't cried since September (my doctor told me I was unhealthy or whatever and one night, out of the blue, I felt ugly and disgusting). I was seriously going for the record of months passing by without crying a single tear. I have been sad but not enough to start crying. What else.......uhm, I did have plans of going out on my birthday (coming up this Sunday). I even had an outfit picked out (in my head, at least) and I had plans of going to Home Goods and going on a little shopping spree and just having the time of my fucking life. But with my current state (being sick from a virus, weak and depressed), I don't think it's going to happen. But oh well, there's always another day.
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  #6858  
Old 04-20-2018, 03:38 AM
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Meh.
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