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  #7411  
Old 05-19-2018, 08:14 AM
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Plague Kitty Plague Kitty is offline
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I confess that if my sister doesn't forgive me for kicking her out (because I wanted to relax and have no drama and now somehow, I'm the asshole for kicking her out, according to my mom) and she chooses to cut off ties with me, I won't panic and feel alone like I did on Thursday night. And if she forgives me and comes around, I'm going to have to have a serious journal-session! Like try to figure out how to avoid problems like this in the future. Maybe sit her down (if she's ready to have a real and open conversation) and maybe she can help me understand her? How to talk around her, what tone is safe to use, how to say things so they don't sound bitchy or offensive.

I've given it some deep thought yesterday and it occurred to me that I've always been alone. As a little girl, I was like Lindsey Wallace in the original Halloween movie I was always watching something on tv while my sister abandoned me to go off with some guy. Sadly, I had no one like Tommy to keep me company (and then scare me) but whatever. When I had a panic attack on a public bus (there was a lot of people and I felt trapped because I didn't know where to look and my mp3 player ran out of battery so listening to music was out of the question). I cried and panicked. I was aware of people looking at me but I just couldn't stop gasping for air and crying. I literally felt trapped. Anyway, the day after, I found out that while I was panicking, my sis wanted to slap me and she felt embarrassed for HERSELF. That's when my eyes were opened that she didn't care at all about me. Then another time I had another panic attack at home (thanks to something on tv. This is why I hate the news! It makes me paranoid) and she said that I was crazy and that I should sleep it off.

She was never there for me. It was always me that had to learn how to take care of myself. I was (and still am) basically my own sister. Yeah, she helps me out at times (I have social anxiety and things like the check-out lane freak me the fuck out. I have no problems with the actual shopping part. I can do that but I just can't deal with people at the register. It freaks me out so I have-had, if she cuts off ties with me-her kindly do it for me and deal with them since she's such a fucking people's person) but it's ultimately me that has to figure it all out in the end. So, I don't need her like I thought I did. If she doesn't forgive me and cuts off ties with me, so be it. Yeah, a couple of things will change but I'll find a good therapist or whatever I need to do to help me overcome it. Something tells me I'll end up being okay and fucking healthier because of her cutting off ties with me. It's not the end of the world. I won't die because of it. I'm not that scared abandoned little girl when I'd stay up all night, crying, calling out into the night (literally) and waiting for her to come home.

In closing, I'm not Lindsey Wallace anymore. I'm fucking Laurie Strode now, bitch

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Last edited by Plague Kitty; 05-20-2018 at 06:22 AM.
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  #7412  
Old 05-23-2018, 10:46 PM
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Chimera Doll Chimera Doll is offline
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Today was one of the worst experiences/pains I've had in my life but I got my TBM book so therefore also one of the best!!
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