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  #7381  
Old 12-02-2017, 10:06 PM
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It's getting increasingly hard to want to keep trying.
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  #7382  
Old 12-05-2017, 02:03 AM
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I got really distracted tonight and should be in bed but I want to get some things done before sleeping
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  #7383  
Old 12-06-2017, 12:12 AM
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There's very little that makes me feel genuine happiness lately. Two of the biggest ones seem to be conflicting. Which fucking sucks.

But I won't give up either if I have any say in it. I'll make it work somehow.
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  #7384  
Old 12-07-2017, 12:25 PM
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In regards to Scott's box (that sounds......very funny and dirty at the same time), I suppose I'll continue waiting. If it's not here by next summer, I'm messaging him to give me back the $15 I gave him and maybe he can give the box to someone else. I mean, he stood by me the entire year so the least I can do is wait too. However! I'm going to stop guessing what's inside the box because it has been driving me insane. All I know is that there's rare stuff inside and something is going to (apparently) surprise the fuck out of me. In this safe place where I know he won't be looking, I confess that I really miss that morning

It was 3am and I remember feeling very giddy that he said my name. I don't know why O.o I sent him extra money because I already bought what I wanted on Bandcamp and I was feeling nice. Then later that day, he messaged me that he was putting a box together for me. I got giddy again. Again, i don't know why, it was just a fucking box for fuck's sake! I mean, I guess because someone was doing something nice for me? Like someone was putting an effort to do something nice for me in return and not just take and never gave back. Someone was.......thinking of me :'O And putting in the time and effort to do these things. Thinking of me while he picked out the rare stuff that he thought I would like or whatever he was thinking in that moment.

It seemed like plans were made and they were about to move forward (meaning, waiting for the box so I could see what the surprise inside was-I was excited and nervous) but then it just......stopped. I got evicted from the apartment and I was fucked up for two whole months (fragile, hopeless, depressed, angry, restless, lost, anxious and a little bit paranoid). The only thing that kept me going was his words of just "standing by" until I found a place. It's something simple and probably not much of importance but I found comfort in him "standing by". I understood he wasn't going to help me out with my fucked up emotions during those times but the thought that he was going to wait was enough. It was something I could rely on. So, I guess you could say I used it as some sort of crutch?

Uhm, the laaaaaaast time we talked about the box was months ago and he asked me if I was in a permanent place. I said yes and gave him my address. He asked me if I thought it was still risky and I just told him to just fucking send it already (in a nicer way though ) unless he didn't think it was worth risking it and that was seriously it. I don't know what's going on with it. I don't know when or if he's planning on ever sending it. I am not going to ask him because I don't want to message him anymore. Somewhere along the line, I got frustrated waiting. Then I got a little sad and disappointed. Then really angry and all "Fuck you Scott and your stupid box! Fuck waiting!" and now I have just silently decided to just wait patiently. I really hope what's inside is going to knock my stockings right off and make me really happy because if it's not......I will be so crushed. Waiting for a year and all for nothing? Oh god, that will destroy me and I will seriously unfriend him if that happens! Like "Oh my god, all that worrying for fucking nothing, you fucking asshole! Fuck off!" Buuuuuuuuuuut! Seeing as I told him to make me his fractal art thingies and to surprise me (I didn't have anything in mind except specific colors but while waiting, I was expecting a moon, stars and swirly mists) and he made me flowers (and totally knocked my stockings off because flowers were not on my mind at all!), I guess I have hope that he won't let me down. He made that in July and it's December now and I'm still fucking surprised and still in love with how pretty it is! It's pretty safe to say that I think he knows what a "surprise" means. So, I guess I should brace myself for whatever is in that box.

I confess that I never really had a specific type of admiration for flowers (for example, my sis always loved sunflowers all her life). Until I saw the flowers Scott made me and then I knew right away. Every time I look at them, I feel like it has my name written all over it and that it represents me. Those are my flowers. Daisies
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  #7385  
Old 12-07-2017, 10:30 PM
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Yet again, getting more in tune with my inner Moxxi is easing my ridiculous anxiety lately a bit. Not completely or even a lot. But more than anything else.

I even had the random realization that I have a weirdly specific thing in common with her. Namely, I tend to sound a bit more country if I speak fully naturally (or play Borderlands 2 too much), but I stop myself, especially through text.
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  #7386  
Old 12-09-2017, 12:05 AM
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I take things way too personally at times, when it's probably not even about me. Which is super embarrassing and something I'm trying to recognize more in myself and change for the better.

Also admitting I've been trying to self reflect for awhile now and be more self aware, especially of my flaws
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  #7387  
Old 12-09-2017, 12:38 AM
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I'm never quite sure if I really have a legitimate reason to be worried about something someone does or if I'm being paranoid and overthinking it, so I miss a lot of times when I probably could have talked things out with people because I don't want to be one of THOSE people.
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  #7388  
Old 12-09-2017, 06:14 PM
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I know that I always hype this "I'm gonna have a great day and nothing will ruin it!" all up and then when something goes terribly wrong, I let that fuck things up and I get all depressed. But I want to do things differently this time around. Like I'll try to move past it, enjoy the moment and/or try to make the best of it. If I feel uncomfortable (at my cousin's house during a family gathering) just standing around, I'll try to find somewhere to be so I don't feel awkward and I WILL NOT RETREAT TO MY GUEST HOUSE NO MATTER WHAT! Unless they're joking about sex and stuff then that is always my cue to leave and my mom and sis understand/forgive why I leave.
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  #7389  
Old 12-09-2017, 10:32 PM
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I really want an allegation to not be true D:
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  #7390  
Old 12-12-2017, 12:49 AM
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I could get arrested because of something that isn't entirely my fault and I'm not fully sure how to stop it.
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  #7391  
Old 12-16-2017, 01:15 AM
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I thought of something earlier to admit but now I can't remember >.<
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  #7392  
Old 12-18-2017, 01:38 AM
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I confess that I'm glad that I went to Erin for advice first before I did what I wanted to do all week. She scared me away for good with her words of warning! I am never doing that. I'll just wait........until I meet the right person. Why rush it and be.....mindless? I feel kind of stupid and silly for wanting to do it blindly. I'm sure I'll get over it soon. Maybe I should just channel this aching loneliness into some healthy and risk-free medium. Like coloring in adult faerie/mermaid/Gothic/Halloween books. I really should get back to it. Maybe I should begin writing Persephone's story and pour my loneliness into that? :')

Thank you Erin
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  #7393  
Old 12-18-2017, 02:23 PM
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I get so happy over small things. Also can get annoyed and mad over small things as well now that I think about it which I try not to do!
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  #7394  
Old 12-18-2017, 09:53 PM
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I'm really good at giving advice, by which I mean I give it a lot to others and it's usually good and sound advice that works for them, but I'm horrible at taking my own advice and very rarely follow it myself.

I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it....
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  #7395  
Old 12-20-2017, 11:35 AM
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At first, I was pissed off at my sister for letting her pervy ex-husband back in her life but over time, I just let it go. There's no use talking to her and making her understand because she won't listen. It's her life and if she wants to live it like that, that's on her. I don't think my mom would allow him to live with her again so I'm not too worried about that! I'll have to talk to her seriously one of these nights when it's just me and her.

In other news, I'm seriously loving Digital Dagger's new song!
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