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  #1561  
Old 05-04-2017, 06:23 PM
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Why does everyone ask me what I'm doing when I'm on the laptop? Like every single time I'm on it? It's frustrating and annoying! I want to casually say (even though it's obviously a lie-I'd never look at that while they're here! Lesson well learned from yearrrrs ago! Ahem! ) "Hey, what's up! Yeah, I'm looking at lesbian ****. How are you doing? ".

But I won't.......
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  #1562  
Old 05-07-2017, 06:00 AM
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Can I ever fucking eat in peace?!?!?!?!?!?!

First, my brother. And now my cousin? I was eating a burger in a restaurant and I was feeling pretty relaxed and just really good. It was nice and grey outside. The burger had too much lettuce and my cousin had this judgy look in her face and said, "Crystal should just get a burger that just has meat, cheese and the bun. She's taking everything else off!!".

And? What the hell is it to her? I swear, she's fucking nosy and judgemental​. Plus, she has a serious staring problem. After that, I noticed that I started feeling scared, anxious, hyper aware of my breathing and feeling judged. I couldn't relax.

When will I be able to eat in peace? With no one staring​ at me directly and judging how I eat. Just fucking LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!! Let me be.... please. Just let me be. I hate feeling pressured. Which is why I hate eating in public where there is a lot of people. I don't feel entirely comfortable.
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  #1563  
Old 05-07-2017, 03:14 PM
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^ That is so annoying. I get anxious about eating in front of people too and it's mostly because of getting comments like that. Why people feel the need to comment on something so ridiculous I'll never know.

I hate job searching. Applied to everything within walking distance and not a single call and all the hiring signs are gone now.
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  #1564  
Old 07-11-2017, 12:45 AM
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Collide is starting to piss me off a bit. I was willing to spend $15 worth of music and they said no (told me to go to Amazon or iTunes). I was willing to support them but I guess they don't want my money so fuck them! I kind of regret helping them with the new album. So, $10 wasted! I'm willing to spend $10 for another band. I'm taking an extended break from the music of Collide.

They cry about bands not being paid and bitching about music being downloaded for free and this and that.....and I tried to support them and they didn't want me to. They directed me elsewhere and told me to buy the entire albums instead. I was simply choosing my absolute favorite songs x.x
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  #1565  
Old 09-01-2017, 08:05 PM
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My mom just called me on the phone. My tone was....dead. There was no life in my voice. Not a hint of life but I tried to make an effort. She noticed it and I lied about how I was tired from cleaning. She laughed and I got angry because it reminded me of last night. I was trying to explain to her where it went wrong with my sister (when I was in the shower and she just slammed the door all of a sudden and was a bitch to me the rest of the day and there I was, thinking we had a lovely day on Wednesday! I was totally in the dark! And still am!) and she kept laughing. I guess my niece was doing something cute and my mom was giggling over it or maybe my brother was doing something. But I kept repeating myself and she just interrupted me with laughter. I had enough and abruptly said, "Okay, goodbye". She was saying something but I...........I hung up on her. I started to tear up because I was trying to explain and she just wasn't listening to me. I felt alone. Normally, I'm good with that but this type was different and depressing. It was near 9pm (thought it was 8pm) when I called her and I didn't stop crying until midnight, got a strong headache and then finally drifted off sleep at 3am.

Anyway, she called me today and apparently, my sister was mad at me yesterday because she told me to take a quick shower because my cousin's husband was going to unclog the shower. Uhm, she never told me shit. The only thing she told me was that she was going to move the TV so she could install the new AC. Then I fell asleep (because of the heat) and when I woke up, she wasn't there. So, she better not fucking be saying that she told me because she did not! My mom went on about how I got mad over the phone with my sis because she didn't wanna give me any money yesterday (new ep by a fav band came out). I actually laughed at that because I wasn't even mad as I said "Okay" when my sis said she was going to pay me today.

I swear, my sister is just grasping at straws at this point! And I say that brutally honest! I don't know if she's taking her anger out on me as some kind of revenge thing for lashing out at her 3 weeks ago or maybe using me as a punching bag for divorcing that son of a bitch. I don't fucking know what her problem is with me but for some reason, she thinks I'm just full of anger. And another thing! She looks at my face, sees that it's serious, assumes I'm mad or bothered and takes that as the truth. She always asks me what's wrong. To be perfectly honest? If my face is serious, it's either because I'm freaking out inside (anxiety) and desperately thinking about anything to keep myself from running out the door. Or it's either because I'm calm and thinking about what to eat later on or what to shop for, what looks witchy, what would Chelsea Wolfe buy. Or I'm just thinking about what song or band to play next on my phone. There. That is literally all I think about when I'm out shopping. It's always the same each time. Nothing else! No anger, no annoyance. Is it any wonder I hide my face with my hair? Because they're always looking at my face, seeing what they want to see, taking it as truth and never ever ever ever ASKING ME STRAIGHT OUT. And if they do ask what's wrong and I say nothing is wrong (and there is nothing wrong, I feel pretty good!), they don't believe me. So, is it any wonder?! Now that I cut my hair, they have more access to my face because it's totally open and it terrifies me. I never thought of this when I cut my hair. If I did, I wouldn't have gone through with it.

Anyway, my mom started to talk to me about my money. I interrupted her and said that I didn't want to talk about this over the phone. I wanted to talk face-to-face. She said, "Okay, bye" and hung up. I await her arrival because I will fight for it! Yes, I pay the rent. Yes, I pay for my food but can I have some money to spend for JUST ME? Can I be allowed that? $50 every month. Hell, I'll settle (alright, I'll learn to settle and accept it!) with $40 or $30 but at least it's something for me to spend for myself. Is that asking for too much? Okay, fine, I won't buy music anymore and my brother can even stalk my Paypal activity all he fucking wants if it makes him so happy. But I need to be apart of The Birthday Massacre's Walking With Strangers anniversary pledge campaign! This album is so near and dear to me and I am not going to miss out on it!
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  #1566  
Old 09-30-2017, 12:52 PM
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I thought everything was going great this week. Boring, yeah, but great nonetheless. It didn't even bother me when my sis commented on the way I was dressed (I took a risk and wore a short top instead of the usual long t-shirt). Something was seriously up with my sister on Thursday night because she just slammed the door. Then on Friday, she kept slamming things. I don't know why it bothered me but it got to the point where I seriously had to open the door for her and then close it (as she cooked lunch for her son). Anyway, my mom came home and asked me if I knew what I've done. I honestly had no fucking clue

Apparently, my sis told my mom that her comment was the thing that bothered me. I mean, yeah, it stung for like a second but then I quickly got over it. I told her about the slamming things and if I offended her by the way I was dressed. She had this to say about it, "It's not that you offended her but what if there was an emergency? And so what if she slams things?! She's not throwing things to you or is she?! You're always thinking about yourself! You don't know the problems she's going through on top of YOUR shit! Like making sure you have enough to eat and taking out the trash so you don't have to deal with the dog. I swear, no one can say anything to you anymore because everything bothers you!"

Um, ouch?!?!? What. The. Fuck. Dude! I swear, my sister has changed. She was NEVER like this. Yeah, she was a fucking blabbermouth but never EVER like this! Not so extreme to the point of crying to our mom at every single little tiny microscopic problem!!!!!!!!! I didn't even know there was anything wrong until my mom brought it up! I seriously feel like such an asshole after hearing those words in my head and seeing them written on here. *scoffs* "Ungrateful person" (and I know in my heart of hearts that I am not ungrateful. I'm seriously appreciative of anything good that gets thrown my way) that only cares about herself (again, I know it's not true. I worry way too much about other people would think and hell, I care so much that I seriously have to spend some time on a single purchase online because I'm so scared and unsure of how my mom would react if she found out the amount I paid for it).

My heart aches and it really hurts. Like someone stabbed my heart or something. My body hurts when I move and all I wanna do is sleep or lay in bed and listen to music. Buuuuuuuuut! I didn't spend all week sticking to my "waking up early and sleeping early" just to fuck it all up and wake up all late again. I'm not gonna give them that power by giving in to depression. I'm gonna try to pick myself up, remove the "dagger from my heart" and try to heal it by forgetting her speech and telling myself that I am not ANY of those things she claims I am. As for dressing in that way, I always have a skirt at hand (on top of my drawer just in case anything happens like an emergency or one of my cousins knocks on my door-I'm way ahead of my mom. I wouldn't just be dressed like that and NOT be prepared. Who the fuck does she think I am?) and so what?!?

I am not hurting ANYBODY! I've spent so many years, all covered up and scared. Now that that creep is gone and I have my guest house and I'm somewhere very private (in terms of where the house is placed) and safe, why shouldn't I be allowed to "let loose"? It's not like I'm completely naked here! If I was, I'd understand but all I have to do is put on a skirt and boom! I'm set to go out or be in the presence or someone I'm finally, finallyyyyyyyyyyy happy and I feel so free. Let me live for fuck's sake. Yeah, my sis comes and goes throughout the day but this is my house and I pay half of the rent. I can do whatever the fuck I want and dress in the way I want. Again, I'm not hurting anyone and I'm happy. My sis always shows her cleavage and I don't say shit about it (I don't call her out on it and ask her why the fuck she's always showing them)! So, why the fuck is she crying to my mom if I show my legs and thighs? I've always covered them. And now that I'm showing them and CAN SAFELY show them, it's wrong.

Whatever, I'm just gonna go about my day and I'll journal my plan for this week. Like where I need to be in terms of state of mind. Like how I need to treat my sister like this fragile thing now. Because apparently everything I do, say or how I say it...hurts her and I really do not need my mom fucking insulting me like that by the end of the week. That's shit I really don't need! Not right now. Not when things are finally feeling.....stable and really great. Plus, we're entering October. It's my month and last October was fucking depressing as hell. My sis better Paypal me money tomorrow :/
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  #1567  
Old 12-01-2017, 06:35 PM
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My grandma just informed me that my dad is sending me a phone and I can pay him back when I can.

I did not ask for this. He KNOWS most of my problems right now are from my finances. That's why I couldn't pay my phone bill and it got shut off. But I've been fine. I know he's also in a tight spot financially, which is why I didn't ask him. So instead he sends me something without my knowledge and "oh you can pay me back later".

I DO NOT NEED MORE FUCKING DEBT THAT I DID NOT ASK FOR

WHO DOES THAT?!

"I see you're having financial problems. Oh btw you owe me money now for something you never asked for."

BULL
SHIT


Now I'm obligated to pay him back for something I DID NOT ASK FOR NOR EXPECT.

FUCK
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  #1568  
Old 12-04-2017, 06:32 PM
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^ That is so.......what the fuck?!?!?
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  #1569  
Old 12-05-2017, 01:15 AM
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^ I KNOW RIGHT?! God, and he wonders why our relationship is deteriorating again. >.>
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  #1570  
Old 12-06-2017, 08:25 AM
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I hope you're not going to pay him? You REALLY don't owe him jack shit! After all, you didn't ask for it.......
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  #1571  
Old 12-06-2017, 06:11 PM
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We'll see. I might. I don't know. x.x
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  #1572  
Old 12-08-2017, 07:41 PM
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Really wish people would be honest...if it's a fact you take something, just own up to it. Especially when the other person is just calmly asking.

Can't stand people who take your shit and then lie about it. Even going as far as putting their hand on the bible, "May God strike me down if I'm lying"
Seriously?!?! Obviously that's not going to happen I wish it would though!
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  #1573  
Old 05-09-2018, 07:19 AM
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Earlier today, I had this good relaxed vibe going on. I was just listening to The Birthday Massacre and coloring some faerie (I was inspired by an artwork by Rebecca of Elvenstar Art). It's been a long time since I've truly wanted to color with something in mind. Normally, I'd just wing it and go with the flow. Anyway, my sis dropped me off some dinner. After eating dinner and resuming with the coloring, she briefly mentioned to my mom that her ex-husband was harassing her by text about sleeping with my cousin's husband. That's when I noticed that that good relaxing vibe I had going was slowly draining and turning into anger. That lovely inspiration I had? Yeah, completely gone. It's like......we knooooooow he's a perverted, disgusting, stalking, lying sack of shit, waste of a human being! WE KNOW! Unless she's in danger or any of us are, I really don't understand why she feels the need to talk loudly about it when she's about 3-5 feet away from my mom's ears.

She's seriously invading my space with her negative energy! I've noticed that she tries way too hard to appear normal. I mean, yeah, good on her. Trying to make a life for herself even through life's hardships but duuuuuuuuude! I really don't know who she is anymore. Her attention-span lately is so......how do I put this? She's like those tiny furry dogs with a loud bark and you just gotta pull the leash in order to get their attention??? I haven't really talked with her for about 2 months now. I see her every single day but we don't really talk. Like today, after talking on the phone with her in regards to what I wanted to for dinner, she appeared distracted. I wasn't sure who she was talking to. After the phone call, I was left with confusion. I don't know, her whole attitude lately is distracted and more conceited. I think she's not as sensitive as she was months ago (any unpleasant facial expression, even the vocal tone, or a single word can set her off and make her go crying to our mom! This, coming from a 40 yr woman but I can understand that she was fragile).

I think I wrote a long time ago that I was gonna "walk on eggshells" with her? Treat her as if she's this fragile glass that could break at any moment? But! I've decided to just abandon that and thought it would be best to just stay the fuck away from her. It's too much effort to watch my tone, watch the facial expression I'm making (if I have a bored expression and it makes her think I'm upset or angry, to just smile every time she's in my presence and watching the words I speak and then going over them in my head a few times so I wouldn't have to offed her in some way.... ..It's way too much effort. So! I decided to just stay away from her and just focus on myself and making sure I'm happy and relaxed. But the one time I didn't have my headphones on with loud music playing, she has to go and say that shit. They didn't even talk about it! She just mentioned if she received a text from him, talking about the recent bullshit. My mom asked what bullshit and my sis told her about the text of him knowing that she was supposedly sleeping with my cousin's husband. That was it. That was all it took for me to just get angry.

I really don't want to hear ANYTHING in regards to that piece of shit. I really don't. They can talk in private but not in my presence. Why must they talk about it in our home? Why? My mom and me are trying to have a peaceful, kinda quiet and safe life. Away from the arguments we were forced to listen to (when they were together and when we lived in apartments). We're happy here. Why does my sister feel the need to come and speak out her drama bullshit in our home?! I don't know about my mom, but for me personally? It just creates a really bad fucking energy in the room. I hate it when she comes and hangs out with my mom because her energy s seriously all over the place!!!! It fucks me up and I end up angry and anxious all because of her.

I guess I'll keep ignoring her and focusing on myself. Let her deal with it. She's a grown ass woman and as my mom once told me (back when I really, really, reallyyyyyyy cared for my sister's well-being. Like to the point where I broke down in tears because of all the shit she was going through), "If she wants to live her life like that all in drama, just let her You just focus on yourself.". So! Ever since then, I've stopped caring as much. The only way I'll care is if her life is in serious danger or any of ours is. Anyway! After she mentioned the thing about the text, she made a conceited comment and I, for whatever reason, put myself down and raised hers up even higher. Reflecting back, I don't know why I did that. Her fucking energy was all over the place it was really confusing to be in her presence! All ranging from anger, anxiety, boredom, vanity, happiness to anxiety. I wanted her gone and by the time she left, I felt like all the bad memories were left behind and seeping into the floors, crawling into the dark corners, climbing up the walls.......

I had to have a cup of tea and after consuming all of it, I felt sort of like myself again but in no mood to color though. Plus, my mom was going to sleep. Maybe I'll continue coloring later on and getting that inspiration back. I could rant about something else but that's another post for another time. Unless I keep watching TV then I might come back and post about it. But only until I feel like I've reached the point where I wanna scream at it all to just fucking stop! I suspect maybe because I'm more aware of it and that's why I'm noticing it in every-fucking-thing! :/

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